The Dark Order's Hidden History
by Yamino Majo
Summary: Responses for requests on the dgmkinkmeme community on LJ. Ratings from G to M. 6th story: Happy Birthday's Omake. The morning after Lavi's natal day, Allen finds out. All in all, it went better than expected, despite Kanda trying to kill them.
1. hell hath no fury

Title: Hell hath no Fury...  
Rating: PG

For the dgmkinkmeme community on Livejournal. Prompt: Kanda and Lenalee try to teach Lavi and Allen how to use chopsticks. Bonus points for adorably amounts FAIL on Lavi and Allen's part, and frustration on Kanda and Lenalee's end. (I meant for this to be a non-smut request;;;) Much love to the anon who attempts this!

--

Notes: As harmless as harmless can be. Zaru soba - soba with cold dipping sauce - it seems to be what Kanda eats most of the time.

--

"What are you two doing?"

Allen looked up from his lunch and his face couldn't quite decide whether it wanted to smile or frown at the sight of Linali and Kanda standing in front of his table, holding their own trays. Linali looked curious while Kanda looked like he wanted to be somewhere else, preferably as far away from annoying Beansprouts as possible.

"Linali, Yuu!" Lavi grinned from his seat to Allen's side. "Sit, sit!" As soon as they had done that (Linali had to give Kanda a Look), his voice dropped down to a theatrical whisper, "we're trying to unlock the deep, dark mysteries of Asian eating utensils." He pointed with his chopsticks - held as if they were drumsticks - at Allen's small tray of soba. "Allen was going to eat it with a fork, and I told him that's the same as desecrating it."

"But I'm hungry..." Allen groaned, trying uselessly to shovel the slippery noodles from the small cup of dipping sauce, to no avail.

"You're not holding it right!" Lavi declared, holding his own pair up. "Like this."

"...you're holding it a bit wrong, Lavi," Linali said tactfully.

Less tactfully, Kanda said, "You're trying to teach him when you can't even use them right? Dumbass."

Normally, Allen would have immediately jumped to Lavi's defense (well, to _anyone's_ defense, actually. It was KANDA, after all), but he had only finished about half of his usual food before reaching the soba, and the whole exercise Lavi started meant that he hadn't eaten anything for the last five minutes. And Lavi was teaching him _wrong_?? "Lavi!"

"What, it works!" Lavi defended himself, demonstrating by using his chopsticks to shove the beef stirfy and rice into his mouth. Allen wailed and Linali and Kanda both looked mildly horrified.

"Stop that, you barbarian." Kanda hissed.

Unfortunately, while Lavi's method was uncouth, it did work for rice and meat. Allen was not nearly as lucky, since eating zaru soba actually required chopstick skills that were one level up from a five year old's. "Linali, help me?" he pleaded.

Linali smiled and scooted over to sit next to Allen. "Of course. You'll want to hold them like this." She demonstrated. "The bottom chopstick stays still, and you use your index fingers and thumb to move the top one..."

Allen tried to mimic her hand position. It did look slightly better than what Lavi had shown him. He frowned in concentration as he reached for a noodle, and got it up halfway to his mouth before it slipped through again, landing with a plop back in the sauce. He looked at it with naked dismay.

"You were close," Linali said encouragingly. "Here, your hand's a little off..." She reached over and took Allen's right hand in both of her own, moving his fingers into the correct positions. "You don't have to grip hard, and it might be easier if you swirl the chopsticks a little, like when you eat spaghetti with a fork."

"O-okay." Allen stuttered, trying to not blush. He really, really, really wished he hadn't worn gloves today. "Um...like this?"

"It looks good."

He tried again, and this time managed to actually eat the noodle. "...I did it!"

"That's great, Allen-kun!"

Kanda scoffed. "Now try it with more than one noodle, beansprout." He wielded his own chopsticks with the same skill as he did Mugen, and started demolishing his own soba. Allen swallowed, but thankfully the din in the mess hall was loud enough to drown out his loudly growling stomach.

"It's ALLEN. And fine, I WILL." Allen cheated and tried the swirling-like-fork-with-spaghetti technique that Linali had imparted, and got a mouthful of the noodles this time. Linali, judging her services were no longer needed, started on her own meal.

Lavi grinned. "Great, beansprout!"

"Don't call me that!" Allen pointed at Lavi with his chopsticks and missed the wince by both Linali and Kanda, "You were teaching me wrong!"

"Hey, I gave you the basics!" Lavi protested.

Without a word, Linali reached out and placed a hand on Allen's wrist. Surprised, Allen let her push his hand down. "Please don't point with your chopsticks, Allen-kun." She said.

He blushed. Now that she said it, he did recall something about basic table manners. "Sorry."

Kanda snorted. Then, in a motion almost too fast to see, he reached out and plucked a piece of meat off Lavi's plate.

"Hey-HEY, that was mine-" Lavi tried to defend his food, to no avail. "Yuu! Stop it-I was going to eat that - you jerk!" His own hand flashed out and they started a no-holds-barred chopsticks fight.

Allen gaped. Linali sighed.

"Boys." She rolled her eyes. "Kanda, stop that," she admonished when Kanda reached for Mugen and Lavi took the momentary distraction to reach in and grab nearly all the noodles from Kanda's tray. He crowed in triumph as he held it up.

"HA! Looks like it's my win..." He trailed off, realizing that Allen was staring at him. At his hand, holding the chopsticks that held the noodles. In the _exact_ same position as Linali had shown him. The younger boy's shoulders were shaking. Hell hath no fury like Allen denied his food. "Um, Allen..."

"...you taught me wrong...on PURPOSE?!"

Kanda finished his noodles, ignoring the din in the mess hall, now greatly augmented. "Idiots." He concluded.

--

End


	2. The True Story

Title: The True Story of the Bathroom Incident  
Rating: PG13

Prompt: Allen, Kanda, Lenalee, and Lavi. Post war. Four exorcists living under one roof... with only one bathroom. Doesn't have to be porn, but please make it funny.

Notes: Implied OT4 and all questionably worksafe things related to that. 'Glomming' is an actual word – I mention this because for some reason google-docs thinks it's not. I added a short paragraph from what I posted on the comm, as this piece always seemed incomplete to me.

--

Linali folded her hands and crossed her legs. Behind her, the ruined bathroom gurgled, the shower curtains tangled on the floor, all the contents of the cabinets scattered on the ground, and the broken door hung onto the frame by one pathetic hinge. One wall even had a spider-web pattern on the shattered tiles, evidence of abuse from strength much greater than a normal human's. There was a patient smile on her face, but her tone gave no room for argument. "Tell me what happened."

Lavi looked thoughtful, Allen looked abashed, and Kanda just looked grumpy. Linali wasn't fooled one bit.

Finally the red-head spoke up, "Well, this really started because Yuu's such a masochist..."

--

Lavi woke reluctantly when his pillow moved, stupid pillow. Groping blindly with his free hand, the one not trapped under Allen and Linali, he managed to sort of grab the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was almost too dark to see the time but once he squinted hard enough and the numbers became somewhat readable in his bleary vision, he groaned.

"It's four," the pillow that didn't have enough decency to stay immobile informed him. Lavi plunked the alarm back on the bedstand and freed his arm so he could grab the damn pillow with both hands. "Let go."

"Izztooearly." Lavi said, the epitome of coherence.

"No it's not." The reply would've been totally convincing if Kanda hadn't chosen then to yawn. "...I train at four." he completed after it passed, futilely trying to pry Lavi off while still not in full possession of his motor skills.

"No train." Lavi had gotten very good at glomming these past few years. There were words about stupid swordsmen who still trained at unholy hours despite the fact that the war was won and over and dammit, they deserved the happy ending they're getting now, but all that would come out was, "Sleep. Good." Kanda was still struggling, and there were sleepy questioning noises coming from the other two occupants on the bed.

"Lavi?" Allen said groggily.

"What time is it?" Linali yawned.

"Too early." Lavi responded. Kanda had freed one arm and was contemplating whether he was awake enough to attempt the next maneuver. "Yuu wants to get up."

His two partners in crime were able to read his mind even mostly asleep. Allen groped blindly until he got a good hold on the arm that Kanda had freed, and attached himself there. Kanda went "oof!" and then Linali crawled on top of him, settling in comfortably in the space between him and Lavi.

"Go back to sleep, stupid..." Allen's words trailed off to a soft snore.

"Stay." Linali added softly. And that was that.

--

"How in the world am I a masochist for having the self-discipline to not lounge around in bed?!" Lavi noted that even when Kanda was angry, he curbed the worst of his verbal abuse around Linali. That was probably the only reason he and Allen's ears weren't blistering right now.

"Six A.M, maybe," Lavi gestured to himself and Allen, "we get up then and no one can accuse us of being lazy. But _four_ A.M.? After the night we had? That is pure masochism."

"That is _self-discipline_." Kanda gritted.

"What," Linali said, neatly cutting between the argument that was just waiting to explode, "does that have to do with what happened to the bathroom?"

Kanda shot Lavi a glare and then transferred it to Allen. "If the stupid rabbit over there hadn't stopped me, I would have gotten up at my normal time."

"And?" Linali prompted when it seemed like Kanda wasn't about to say more. Kanda merely looked sullen and she transferred her gaze to Allen. "Allen-kun?"

"I was just using the bathroom," Allen said huffily, "like a _normal_ person. You were up already by then, Linali, and Lavi was still in bed. I was _minding my own business_ when Kanda started trying to knock the door down."

"You were in there for almost an hour." Kanda shot back.

"I was _not_!"

--

Allen looked up from where he was washing his face, and almost yelped out loud. A moment later, he started cursing his fair complexion, as his face was now red to the tip of his ears.

It still didn't quite manage to hide the hickey on his neck.

_Oh my god_, he thought, certain...ahem, scenes, from last night playing out in his mind. That was probably Linali. Or maybe Lavi...the bite-mark on his collarbone was definitely Lavi. There were bite marks on his collarbone. And on his ribs, and probably on the back of his neck...The hand-shaped bruises on his hips were probably from Kanda.

Allen tried to not spontaneously combust from blushing.

"Guh...collared shirt," he muttered. "Have to wear a collared shirt today..."

He didn't regret it, even though a part of him was just so mortified that he wished the earth would just swallow him. It's not that...that getting together came as a surprise. He had been watching Linali for as long as he could remember, and he was watching Lavi for almost as long. Watching Lavi watch Kanda was sort of like watching Kanda, in a way, and really, it wasn't a surprise that he was hopeless at trying to stay uninvolved. They were his best friends (even Kanda), people he fought and nearly died for, and he was so glad that they stayed together, even afterwards...

He just thought having little crushes on them wouldn't hurt as long as it never went anywhere. Sure, Linali was beautiful and Lavi was brilliant and Kanda was honorable in that hard-assed way of his, and they were all so brave and good, but he was happy with the way things were. He was sure whatever more they could be isn't worth the potential of ruining what they already have. But Lavi never knew when to leave well enough alone...add a determined Linali to the mix, and they were well nigh unstoppable.

And now, he was in the bathroom, realizing that he really needed a collared shirt (he had only grabbed pants and a tank-top because he was going to do some morning exercises later). He wasn't sure how he could face down the maker of those love-marks otherwise.

There were breakfast-making noises from the direction of the kitchen, and rustling of people waking and walking about. Allen brushed his hair veryyyy slowly, wondering how long he can go until the room was cleared enough for him to sneak a shirt without being seen.

He killed maybe fifteen minutes that way. A brusque knock made him jump. "Are you done putting your make up on in there?" Kanda's voice said sarcastically.

Allen instantly took back every nice thing he ever thought about Kanda. "I-what--I'm not putting on make-up!" he yelled. "I'm brushing my teeth, go away!"

He could hear Lavi call out sleepily, "Yuuuuu, come back to bedddd..." and Kanda's "Go fuck yourself," before the loud knocking resumed. "You've been in there long enough to brush your teeth three times. Now get out, other people need to use the bathroom too!"

Allen draped a towel around his neck and yanked the door open. "I'll come out when I damn well want to!" He declared, and then slammed the door shut again. Or at least, he tried, because Kanda had jammed one foot in and blocked the attempt. "You--!"

"Fucking beansprout, haven't you ever learned to share?" Kanda snarled, straining to push the door open more. Allen pushed back just as hard, glaring at the dark eyes mere inches from his own.

"I was in here FIRST." He growled back, "and I'm not done. Haven't you ever learned to _wait your turn_?"

There was a loud SNAP, and Allen thought for a moment that was the physical manifestation of Kanda losing his temper, until he realized the doorknob had come off in his hand.

His _left_ hand.

Kanda was looking at the doorknob, and at the hole left in the door, and then finally at Allen. "..."

Allen blinked in shock. "Oh, shoot--" but he forgot to account for the fact that Kanda was still pushing against the door, and the sudden loss of the opposing force sent them crashing into the small, cramped space of the bathroom. "Ow!" Allen yelped as he clipped the sink on his way down.

Kanda threw out a hand to stop their fall, but grabbed the shower curtains and brought them down as well instead. That in turn knocked into the cabinet, which rattled and rained various toiletries down upon them.

Allen tried to get up by reaching for the sink, but unfortunately did not take into account how butt-length hair can get _everywhere_. Kanda punched him in the temple for yanking on a good handful, and things just went downhill from there.

--

Linali sighed. "So somehow, you two got into a fight, and it destroyed the bathroom." She summarized.

"He started it!" Kanda and Allen said at the same time, pointing to each other. Lavi choked on his laughter, and covered his mouth desperately as they turned nearly identical glares on him. His shoulders still shook.

"Who started it, Lavi?" Linali asked. If he had been awake, then he would remember what happened even if he hadn't participated.

Lavi snickered helplessly, but somehow managed to shrug. "I think they both started it." He wagged his eyebrows. "They were awfully energetic, banging around in there. Maybe we didn't wear them out enough last night?"

"L-Lavi!" Allen stuttered, his face going red.

"Stupid rabbit." Kanda muttered.

Linali coughed. "That still leaves us with a ruined bathroom."

"I guess it's time to do some remodeling." Lavi concluded cheerfully.

--

End


	3. Paved with Good Intentions

Title: Paved with Good Intentions  
Rating: PG13

--

For the dgmkinkmeme community on Livejournal. Prompt: KroryKanada. Yes anon heard me right, I said **KroryKanda**. Oh and for kink how about Role Playing, fuzzy pink handcuffs or love bites. (All of the above would also make Anon **very,very,very** freakin' happy Anon really wants.)

Notes: I did not manage any of the specific requested kinks except maybe very, very, very vaguely on the lovebites...I don't even think this is really a pairing fic at all, though I hope readers find it entertaining. What can I say? When the bunnies bite, they bite.

As a slightly off-topic note: this site does not allow for MA ratings, so that rather ties my hands for the rest of the prompts I've filled (it IS a kinkmeme after all). I see several options available to me, and would like to hear from anyone who has an opinion.

1. post the worksafe parts on this site and provide a link to a different site with the complete (NC-17 rated) fic.

2. post the worksafe parts and not-worksafe parts as separate chapters, allowing the reader to choose whether to continue and only risking getting certain bits of the fic taken down if it's reported.

3. don't post

I'm personally leaning toward 1 or 3, but opinions are appreciated. Happy readings.

--

Kanda decided he hated civilians.

Especially stupid ones that are little sniveling children rooted to the ground and didn't have the sense enough to run away when the balloon-like forms of the level one akumas came at them.

So much for a simple mission.

--

Krory was feasting on the blood of the Level ones when he heard the loud cries. "I'm on it!" he yelled as Lavi and Allen continued to cut swathes through the nest of akuma infesting the town with hammer and claw. The two of them shouted affirmatives, knowing that he was the fastest out of the three since Linali was taking care of her own section on the far side. The scenery blurred around him as he sped to the source of the screams.

He caught a glimpse of long, black hair as Kanda whipped around, Mugen glowing. The swordsman was yelling something that sounded like, "Run, you idiots!" and three level ones were cut down in an instant. Unfortunately more crowded forward in the rubble of the building and Krory wondered why Kanda was just standing there in the open, making himself a sitting duck for all the enemies. A wail tore through the air and his inhumanly sharp eyes finally caught the sight of three young children huddled in the shadow of a collapsed wall.

"I've got them!" Krory yelled, blurring past Kanda and scooping up the children. With one leap, he cleared the rubble and as they shrieked in his ear, he looked around for a temporary shelter. Finding one, he shoved them into the remains of a church and growled, "STAY."

They were terrorized into silence and he felt a brief pang of guilt, but battle-adrenaline and the blood of akuma was still coursing through his veins, so he didn't feel too awful. Relieved of his handicap, Krory had no doubt that Kanda wouldn't have any trouble with a few dozen level ones.

--

Kanda looked around, straightening from his crouch. There were a few pieces of akuma still burning feebly, the rest were mingled with the shattered concrete and brick and tile of the town center. He ached from the impact of a few explosions, but it's nothing that wouldn't be gone by the end of the day, so he concentrated on looking for straggling akuma. There were too many hiding places in the rubble, and he didn't want to clear out without being sure that they got all of the enemies.

A footstep behind him made him jump, but it was only Krory. Kanda turned around to complain about the other's lateness (and what were Beansprout and the idiot Rabbit doing anyway?! Slowpokes!) but that moment of inattention cost him.

There was a whirring noise from behind a collapsed wall and he threw himself to the side, but not fast enough. His shoulder exploded in a flash of sharp, unbearable pain and he felt bones break and muscles tear and blood fly as the akuma bullet lodged in his shoulder. Dimly, he heard Krory yell and the ground shook as the other exorcist shredded the hidden Akuma and it exploded, but it was all he could do to keep his grip on Mugen, reaching with his other hand to yank out the bullet. He swayed on his feet, cursing inwardly. So much for a simple mission. He probably won't die even from the injury and the blood virus, but it's going to hurt like _hell_.

Krory hit him with the momentum of a train and Kanda grunted with surprise, the air knocked out of him. "What the fuck-"

He caught sight of black eyes with white pupils dilated to slits before two sharp, burning pains sank into the side of his neck, and he gasped as it seemed to go in deeper, deeper, deeper until he almost screamed. His blood was on fire, he was burning, it hurt worse than the pain from his shoulder wound.

"S-stop!" He gasped out, struggling futilely. The bones of his wrist ground together as Krory's grip tightened around the hand holding Mugen. Kanda couldn't get any leverage, bent almost backwards over the slanting wall of what used to be a bank. It burned like barely melted river water, like a funeral pyre, like he was going to turn to ash and blow away, any minute.

He felt Krory's throat work - _he's drinking my blood_ - and felt their bodies pressed together and the spots dancing before his eyes. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, pinned like a butterfly specimen.

--

_Hurry, hurry hurry_, Krory thought frantically, drawing out the blood with his Innocence. He didn't know if it hurt - Lavi hadn't said anything about _pain_ that time, though the other exorcist said plenty otherwise - but he knew that if he didn't draw out the virus as soon as possible, the black stars would float onto Kanda's skin and Kanda would turn to dust. He couldn't let that happen!

Kanda was struggling under him and Krory instinctively bit harder in warning. The blood was sweet with the akuma's taint and he gulped it, probably much faster than he should. But underneath the sweetness was a bitter tang (human blood) and something else. He wasn't sure what it was, only that it was strangely...appealing. It made stopping difficult.

Kanda whimpered and tried to push him away with his free hand. Krory stretched his senses and looked for the speckle of black pentacles in Kanda's blood, only to find that the traces remaining were fading. Slowly, slowly, he unclenched his jaw and pulled back, his fangs sliding smoothly out of Kanda's neck. He looked at the crescent with dismay...and a little bit of fascination.

"W-what the fuck was that for?" Kanda panted, pushing at his shoulders. His eyes were unfocused and Krory realized with alarm that he probably drank too fast, too deep. The other exorcist's skin was deathly pale in sharp contrast to the blood still flecking his lips. Krory's heart skipped a beat, and then his mind blanked like it did sometimes in battle. The next thing he knew, he was chasing that elusive flavor in Kanda's blood across Kanda's lips, into Kanda's mouth, against Kanda's tongue. It was bitter (the human blood) but ...but _something_. He didn't know what, but he wanted more.

He expected Kanda to bite him, and came back to his senses when he realized Kanda didn't. Kanda wasn't doing anything, having succumbed to the blood loss from both the akuma bullet and Krory's feeding. Mugen clattered to the ground from limp fingers.

--

And that was how Lavi found them, with Krory crying, "Oh, my god! I killed Kanda! I killed Kanda! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy!" and hovering around Kanda's still form, hands in the air above Kanda but afraid to touch.

"Krow-chan?" He gasped, and then, seeing Kanda, "Yuu!"

Krory sniveled, big fat tears dripping down as Lavi hurried over the rubble. "I-I was trying to help, the Akuma blood virus..."

Lavi felt for a pulse and noticed the fading bite-marks. His face turned faintly gray from memory. "You bit him?"

"I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Krory wailed.

Lavi could feel the faint throb of Kanda's pulse against his fingers and heaved a sigh of relief. There was a large tear in the shoulder of the exorcist's uniform, and the skin under it was angry and red, but whole. "Well, the good news is, you didn't kill him." He concluded. Krory looked up hopefully. "The bad news is...he'll be pissed as heck. You didn't know he's immune to the virus?"

"W-wh-whattt??"

"Oh, yeah." Lavi muttered under his breath as Kanda groaned. "Er, I'll hold him down if you want to start running now..."

--  
end


	4. Only Good for Fools

Title: Only Good for Fools

Rating: R

For the dgmkinkmeme community on Livejournal. Prompt: how about Lavi/ girl!Kanda. kink?...girlKanda XD. pretty please?

Notes: This contains girl!Kanda, who turned out exactly the same as guy!Kanda except with girl bits. I held off posting because I wasn't sure if the inspiration to finish would happen upon me one day…and it hasn't, really, so this is all I have.

…actually, no. They had a conversation in my head (mid-sex) that was deeply cracky and disturbing. I think I'll refrain from inflicting it on everyone.

Minor edits and wording changes have been made since the posts on the meme.

--

It was almost three AM when the door to Kanda's room opened. Lavi raised his head from where he had it pillowed on a book - gaining knowledge through diffusion! - and waved. "Yuu! Welcome back! How did the mission go?"

Kanda stared, suitcase in hand. "How the fuck did you get in here?!"

"Magic." Lavi quipped, and then had to duck the suitcase thrown at his head at a high velocity. "Eep! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I made a copy of the key that one time you let me borrow it!"

Kanda's eye twitched, but the exorcist just stomped to the small closet and started taking out a change of clothes. Lavi peered up hopefully from where he was shielding his head, but all he got was, "you'd better be fucking gone by the time I'm back." before the door was slammed shut unceremoniously.

Lavi heaved a sigh and sprawled out on Kanda's bed. All he wanted was to give his girlfriend a warm welcome back from a hard mission, but it seems like Kanda wasn't in the mood. Sometimes Lavi wondered if he really had a boyfriend instead, the amount of girly tendencies that Kanda exhibited can fit in a thimble, with room left for the thumb afterward.

But, Lavi's gaze became a bit unfocused and his smile started edging toward a leer, Kanda was definitely a girl. She had all the curves, hidden as they were under chest bindings and long coats, to go with her androgynous good looks. Lavi swung both ways, but Kanda was gorgeous no matter what.

They somehow became friends when Lavi joined the Order, and just as incredibly, started 'dating'...if getting beaten up by Kanda for every verbal endearment, kiss, or grope was 'dating'. Actually, if that was the standard for 'dating', Lavi pretty much started dating Kanda the day he joined.

He counted himself incredibly lucky that they had actually progressed from punches, kicks and scratches to occasional make-out sessions. He counted it as god smiling down on him the once that they actually...went all the way, without anyone (him) losing any limbs.

Tonight he hoped to repeat the experience, and he even did some research to make sure that Kanda would have absolutely no complaints at all. Who knows? At this rate, he might even convert the cranky cross-dressing exorcist to the side of 'Long Live having Sex with your Boyfriend'.

--

"...why are you still here?" Kanda asked, closing the door behind her. Lavi grinned from the bed and held up a brush.

"C'mere." He said, waggling his eyebrows, and Kanda must've been too tired to physically throw him out because she came over with only a roll of the eyes. Lavi made himself comfortable around Kanda when she sat down, and started parting the still-damp strands of the mass of long, dark hair in preparation for brushing. Kanda fished out her own comb.

They brushed together, silence only broken occasionally by Lavi asking about the mission, about the Innocence that was retrieved, about the akuma that were exorcised. Soon he was working through the silken strands from scalp to the ends with nary a snag.

He carded through a handful, sighing. "This is nice." He murmured, dropping the hair in favor of wrapping his arms around Kanda and breathing in her scent. It seemed to be the only thing soft on Kanda.

For a moment, they sat there. Then, as usual, Kanda took the nice mood he had set up and completely destroyed it by elbowing him in the gut. "Oi. Let go, pervert."

Lavi gasped and blinked. Pervert? What did he do-- Oh. "Hey, I'm hugging my gorgeous, sexy girlfriend. Who I haven't seen in almost a month! Give a guy a break!"

Kanda rolled her eyes. "The proper word for guys who get a hard-on around a cross-dresser is a pervert."

"Kanda Yuu, you don't have a single romantic bone in your body." Lavi whined. Kanda smacked him and the red-head glared. "All right," He growled, smiling evilly. "Since you're going to be that way about it...I'll show you how perverted I really am."

Kanda gave him an incredulous look over her shoulder. "...that was the cheesiest thing I've EVER heard. You need to work on your lame-ass pickup lines." She scoffed, and squirmed when he tried to kiss her. "Stop that, I'm tired and I want to sleep."

"Sleep is for wussies," Lavi growled playfully. She skipped the pinching (painful, but girly) and went straight for a wrist-lock (painful and NOT girly) for indirectly calling her a wussy. Lavi evaded by some creative repositioning. By the time he finally managed to plant a kiss on his target, Kanda was spitting mad because she was pretty well immobilized. Kanda can hand him his ass on a plate in an out and out fight on her bad days, but if it's just friendly grappling, she lacked the mass to really deal out the amount of pain she usually wrecked. And Lavi had the added advantage of experience.

That didn't mean Lavi lingered, and that was wise because the moment he pulled away was the moment her teeth chomped together where his tongue had been. He whistled. "That was dangerous."

She grinned with fangs. "Think about that the next time you ask me to blow you." she rejoined as he cringed.

"I'll keep that in mind," he promised.

"Now, let go of me."

He shook his head. "Nope." They were pressed together like lovers, even though there were still layers of clothing in between. He leaned down and nuzzled her neck, nipping at the pale skin. Kanda squirmed some more, growling invectives at him.

Lavi juggled the whole cuddling versus restrain-Kanda-just-enough-to-prevent-being-killed positions until he managed to free a hand. Brushing aside ebony strands, he returned to his mission of making Kanda more tractable - mainly by attacking her known erogenous zones.

Kanda shuddered when he nibbled on her earlobe, trailing a warm and wet tongue around the shell before pressing a kiss against a sensitive spot on the side of her neck. "Stop it," she breathed, not sounding quite as firm as before. He sucked on the skin at the junction of neck and shoulder and she had to muffle a moan. "Seriously, st-stop it. Or I'll kick your ass."

"Lookin' forward to it," he murmured before kissing her again. This time her lips parted only after a slight hesitation, and they were both panting into the kiss by the time he pulled back. He nipped at her jaw and released her wrists, his hands falling to the buttons on her white shirt. "May I?" He asked in the most polite manner he could manage.

Kanda scoffed and went through the buttons in record speed, herself. Judging from the fact that she didn't turn and punch his face in or claw his one eye out when he reached for the ties on the chest bindings, it was his permission to go ahead. _No one_ touched the bandages binding Kanda's chest without her consent - the fact that imminent death wasn't a good enough reason was why Kanda still didn't get along with Allen. Lavi felt bad for the beansprout - the boy was only trying to help when Kanda was almost cut in half by that Akuma, but try telling that to Kanda.

The strips of cloth came loose easily and Lavi didn't waste any time cupping the small and firm breasts they revealed. Kanda hissed and he smoothed a palm against a fist sized bruise right under the curve of her tattoo, already turning ugly yellows and purples. "Akuma?" he murmured against the skin of her neck.

There was a huff of breath, half snort and half scoff, the closest Kanda came to laughing. "Idiot civilian." she riposted. Lavi pressed her down to the bed, kissing the bruise lightly. She gasped when he murmured the same question against the healing cut across her stomach, her fingers hovering above his hair before falling to the bedsheets. "That was the level 2," she whispered.

He undid the button on her pants and helped her shimmy out of them, and if he was expecting her to be wearing the underwear he had gotten her for Valentine's day (and nearly died for it too), he would be sorely disappointed. She had on plain black boxers and was almost skinny enough in the hips to pull off the look.

Lavi kissed her bellybutton and took a hold of the waistband. Kanda frowned when she noticed his expression - his grin was wide and evil, one eye raking over her appreciatively. Belatedly she realized that they were currently violating her self-imposed rule of Not-Making-Out-On-The-Bed-After-Missions (Kanda had a lot of them, including one that dictated that she was never to have a boyfriend...but look how that turned out). She shifted immediately to kick. He pinned her hips by the simple act of resting on them, and caught her wrists before she could punch him. "Guess what I learned while you were gone?" he asked, kissing her knuckles.

"You are a disgusting sap," Kanda informed him, scowling.

"No, that's what you learned," he corrected her with a smirk. Lavi scooted up until he could kiss her, long and hard and deep, and by the time he pulled back and she could attempt to tell up from down again, his hand was already slipping into her boxers.

"Wait, Lavi-"

"Did you know?" He murmured in her ear, "That girls can have multiple orgasms?"

--

End


	5. Happy Birthday

Title: Happy Birthday  
Rating: R  
For the dgmkinkmeme community on Livejournal. Prompt: Lavi/Yuu; anal beads on Yuu.

Notes: Not worksafe! This is my first fic with actual depictions of sexual acts that's posted on a relatively public forum (though granted, at first anonymously), so I beg forgiveness for any badness.

Additional notes: This has been edited down to a M rating. MS Word tells me that what used to be 8 pages is now only 5. I am agog at the thought I wrote 3 pages of non-general audiences sex scene, and I am cringing at the inaccuracies of it. For the full version please see my fic-dump livejournal: chailover(dot)livejournal(dot)com(slash)1295(dot)html.

There might be an omake for this, I haven't decided yet.

My kinkmeme tally: 2 OT4 fics, 2 Lavi/Kanda fics and 1 Krory/Kanda (Sorta). That's all folks, until another request inspires me…

--

Lavi's birthday had just taken a turn for the extremely strange.

It had been a fairly normal day, with Bookman keeping him busy writing records for most of the morning. Lavi had known that there was going to be a party (the Order loved parties and any excuse to have them) but pretended that he had no clue. Allen and Linali managed to even drag him out to the city after he finished the records, and they spent the day window-shopping and just relaxing. Lavi made sure to act appropriately surprised when they returned to find that the entire mess hall had been redecorated (with giant banners that read 'Happy Birthday, Lavi!') and enough food to feed an army (which was actually just barely enough food to feed everyone at the Order and Allen).

Lavi was slightly disappointed when the party went on without a certain exorcist showing up. Kanda had a mission, but was supposed to be back that night. Upon further consideration, as Lavi was opening presents, he figured that it was probably just as well - He had sent Kanda off with something that had seemed like a good idea at the time (a hilariously good idea), but in hindsight it probably would just piss Kanda off. Lavi might have best-friend-with-benefits status with the other exorcist, but he knew that Kanda pathologically took _everything_ the wrong way, and he had only meant it as a joke.

He shrugged inwardly - with any luck, Kanda would've figured it was something dumb and tossed it out.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Kanda hadn't.

The party was winding down when the doors slammed open, admitting one Kanda Yuu, looking fit to kill. His glare swept over the small crowd of well-wishers and settled on Lavi. Lavi went '_oh shit_' when he noticed the small cardboard box in the exorcist's hand. Kanda strode over and a part of Lavi's brain (The part not going "Oh, my god, he is going to kill me!") found the way that the space between them was cleared in an instant absolutely hilarious. Kanda as _Moses_, parting the red sea. He couldn't help but feel a bit abandoned though; even Linali and Allen had taken a step back.

"What did you _do_?" Linali hissed. Before Lavi could answer, Kanda was in his face, and the abused box shoved in his chest so hard that he nearly fell over. Lavi scrambled and caught it before it fell, only to find that it was empty except for the folded note that he had put inside, days ago when he had given it to Kanda. That was a relief, given what he knew of its former contents.

"I hate you." Kanda snarled, and then turned on his heel. Lavi narrowly avoided being blinded by slap-of-swinging-ponytail, and then the Red Sea (finders, exorcists, the science department, the cooking and cleaning crew, _everyone_) parted some more as Kanda stalked his way back out as suddenly (and dramatically) as he came.

There was a silence that lasted for all of five seconds after Kanda left. Then everyone started talking at once.

"It's your _birthday_! How could he!" That was Allen, being righteously indignant on his behalf.

"What did you do?" Linali asked again, giving the box a suspicious look.

"He made the gatekeeper cry!" That was one of the finders.

"That Kanda..." was the general consensus.

Lavi laughed nervously. "Well, he just got back from a mission, and we were being a bit loud. So, yeah."

"Still!" Allen huffed, looking like he had a mind to go beat Kanda up and drag him back to apologize. Lavi's heart swelled and he ruffled the white head. The beansprout was so cute.

"Don't worry about it," Lavi laughed. He rubbed the back of his neck and gave Linali an abashed smile. "I kinda...played a joke." He gestured to the box. "Made a nuisance of myself telling him it'll be my birthday when he gets back. He's probably just pissed at that."

Linali's suspicious look melted away into a rueful grin. "You never learn."

"But it's so FUN to piss him off!" Lavi countered. "Anyway, I think we should call it a night. I'll go apologize and hope that he forgives me." He pointed to Allen, "You. If I don't show up for breakfast, then Yuu's killed me and you'll have to tell Bookman to find another apprentice."

Linali laughed as the others started trickling out at Lavi's urging. Allen just looked worried. "Maybe I should go with you..." the younger exorcist murmured.

Lavi waved him off. "Don't worry about it. Good night, everyone, thanks for the party!"

A chorus of good-nights and happy-birthdays followed him out.

--

Lavi stopped in front of Kanda's door and took a deep breath. He had been joking about the being killed part, sort of. But the box was _empty_. That was a good sign.

"Yuu? Are you really mad at me or was that just your usual way of showing affection?"

The door opened and he was yanked inside by his collar. Lavi yelped and held his hands up, "I'm sorry it was a joke and I just turned nineteen and I don't want to die!!"

Kanda glared.

Lavi realized that no part of his person was currently being threatened, by Mugen or otherwise. Kanda released his collar, slammed the door closed, and stomped over to the bed. He sat down and glared bloody murder at the red-head. The Bookman in training coughed, unsure of what to do next. His best-friend-with-benefits growled.

"Um." Lavi held up the box. It was pathetically crushed, forlornly empty. "It's my birthday and this box is empty. Are you my present?"

Kanda gave him an 'are you an idiot?' glare.

Lavi hissed as his mind took that as a 'yes' and all the blood rushed out of his brain into other areas. He had purchased them in a seedy seaside store after a mission, hiding them away like a guilty secret. It had been a whim, a fleeting thought of '_Oh, that'd be hot._' (Followed immediately by '_but that's not going to happen, ever._'). The thought of those beads, inside his sometimes-lover (fuckbuddy? friend with benefits? 'Lover' sounded wrong)...

He meant it as a joke. REALLY.

Kanda's eyes narrowed as Lavi continued to fail at thinking. "This is stupid. If you're not going to do anything, then just show yourself out." he growled.

Lavi took a step back and groped for the doorknob. He found the lock after a few near misses and turned it. Kanda raised an eyebrow and apparently took that as a hint to continue.

"Wait!" Lavi found himself grabbing Kanda's wrists before he could start unzipping himself out of his exorcist uniform (he thought only Linali could move that fast, but apparently painful arousal did wonders for his physical prowess). "Wait. MY present. I get to unwrap."

"That was really intelligent." Kanda said sarcastically, but Lavi noticed (now that they were up close and personal) a faint flush on the other exorcist's cheeks. He pushed a little so Kanda would scoot back onto the bed to give Lavi room to kneel on it.

"How long...?" He didn't know whether to love or hate the designers of their current uniform. The leather was practically painted onto Kanda , and the zippers...he had too much of a thing for the zippers. Thankfully the sword belt was already off, so he worked at removing the outer belts instead. They mocked him with their tricky catches and he had to bat away Kanda's hands when he tried to help. "How long have you had them in...?"

Kanda was growling, his eyes dark. Maybe he wasn't as unaffected as he seemed, Lavi could now detect both the flush and slightly heavier breathing. "...you said, after the mission. So."

"You've had them in since..." Lavi yanked hard on those belts and something gave. Kanda snarled something about bloody murder for damaging his gear, but Lavi kissed him to shut him up. Yup, definitely not unaffected, Lavi noted, licking his lips. Usually Kanda didn't moan on the first kiss.

The belts were draped over the back of the bed. Lavi worked diligently and carefully (and maybe a little quickly too) with Kanda's boots, and his gloves and his hair tie. Kanda tried to kick him. "God dammit. Hurry _up_."

Lavi grinned. "My present." He purred, taking the tab of the zipper for the front of the uniform jacket in his teeth. Kanda looked horrified.

"Dammit. You're one of those people _who refuse to rip the wrapping paper_, aren't you?"

"Hmmmmm, I don't rip tape either," Lavi agreed, drawing down the tab of metal. Kanda was not wearing a shirt under the jacket, and in the uncertain light, his skin was starkly pale contrasted with the black and silver of the jacket, and the matte black of his tattoo. The sides of the jacket fell open, and Lavi blinked as a thought occurred to him. Instead of drawing the jacket off all the way, he started working on Kanda's pants.

"SHIT." Kanda gritted when Lavi loosened the top button with his mouth. Lavi repeated his performance with the jacket zipper, this time on the pants zipper, and raised both eyebrows.

"No underwear today?" He asked, torn between amused and even-more-painfully-aroused-than-before.

"Fuck you." Kanda replied fervently. Lavi relieved him of his pants.

"Maybe later." He agreed.

--

Five minutes after everything was said and done, Kanda roused himself enough to try and kick Lavi out of bed, with incredibly little success. Lavi shucked off his pants (which had lasted and remained on his person for the whole damn thing. Kinky, Lavi decided) and stuck to Kanda like a very annoying, red-headed burr. Right before nodding off, he whispered to himself, "Happy birthday to me."

--  
End


	6. Happy Birthday: Omake

Title: Happy Birthday Omake

Rating: PG

Notes: Finally got around to writing it. XD Allen-finds-out.

--

It was nearly eleven when Allen finally made his way down the hall to Kanda's room. He hadn't seen Lavi at breakfast after his exercises, and checking the library and the bookman apprentice's room had yielded no red-head. Bookman was on his way out to a mission sans Lavi, and hadn't seen his protégé since the night before.

"He'll come back when he's ready." The old man had grumbled before heading off.

Allen wasn't so sure. After all, Bookman hadn't been there when Hurricane Kanda had swept in, and while Kanda regularly declared his hatred of people, he seemed awfully serious that time.

So that was how Allen Walker found himself in front of Kanda's door.

--

"Mmhhgh?" Lavi groaned. His dream of whack-a-mole with his hammer faded into the sight of a semi-familiar room, but the hammering continued.

Next to him, Kanda rolled over and mumbled some obscenities under his breath before going back to slumber-land, handily stealing all the blankets. Lavi envied him, really.

"Kanda? Kanda, are you in there?"

That was the beansprout. Blearily, Lavi rolled out of bed and fumbled around for his pants. Haphazardly he dressed, not bothering to button up his pants or his shirt, and was in the process of putting his bandana on when he opened the door. "Beansprout?" He squinted. "What do you want?"

"Lavi?" Allen stared at him with a mixture of relief and surprise. "So that's where you were! I was getting worried because I didn't see you…at…breakfast…"

Lavi blinked, feeling the fuzziness of being abruptly woken recede and his mind becoming sharper. Why was Allen staring at him like that? And wait, _his shirt didn't have buttons_.

"Ohshit." Lavi said all in one breath when they both realized what opening up another person's door first thing in the morning while _wearing their clothes_ implied. At the same time, Allen squeaked, "Lavi—youandKanda?"

"I can explain." Lavi squeaked back, but then Allen's eyes widened and focused on something behind the other exorcist.

"Lavi, duck!"

They both dove for the floor as Kanda proved that even half-asleep, his wrath was potentially lethal. One of Lavi's boots—fished from the floor—was thrown with deadly accuracy at where their heads had been. It flew out the door and impacted against the stone wall on the opposite side before falling with a loud thud to the ground.

"TALK OUTSIDE, DAMMIT!" Kanda yelled, brandishing another boot, and Lavi scrambled over Allen in his haste to vacate the room, yanking the door shut behind him. Another hard thump revealed that he had dodged another boot missile just in time.

"Oh my god." Allen gasped from where he had rolled to the side to avoid getting a knee in the gut. "Is he always like that in the mornings?"

"Usually worse. At least he didn't have Mugen handy." Lavi panted, checking his nose to make sure he didn't knock it out of joint with his stunt-dive maneuver. "Then he might _really_ kill someone before he wakes up."

"Oh my god." Allen said again, and Lavi couldn't help it. The white-haired exorcist looked over when Lavi made an odd noise. "Lavi?"

"…ppft." Lavi clamped his hands over his mouth, but still the snickers came out. Allen looked annoyed for a moment until he realized that Lavi wasn't laughing at him. Then it was just infectious, and soon Allen was chortling along, the two of them laughing in the hall outside of Kanda's room like maniacs.

"So. You and Kanda." Allen said after the laughter subsided to chuckles, and then to silence. Lavi stood up and dusted his pants off, buttoning up Kanda's shirt in an attempt to look more presentable. He would have to get clothes from his room, and hope to retrieve the rest of his stuff later when Kanda was less homicidal and more awake.

Lavi offered a hand and Allen took it, letting Lavi pull him up. "Yup. If you have an opinion, state it now or forever hold your silence, sprout."

"It's ALLEN." Allen also dusted his pants off. He shook his head, trying to dispel the sense of bemusement. "You and _Kanda_. I have nothing against it, but you can do better."

Lavi snickered. "Hey, that's not fair. Since you've already stolen the most gorgeous girl in the Order, it's only fair that I score the hottest guy."

"I-Linali-we're not-!" Allen stuttered, turning red, and then realized his mistake when Lavi's grin stretched out into a purely evil expression. "No changing the subject!"

"Hmmmmm, the beansprout's got a girlllll." Lavi singsonged, strutting off with his hands behind his head, Allen hurrying after him after a second's hesitation.

"AND," Allen inserted firmly, even though his face was still slightly pink, "Kanda's not the hottest guy. He's too…girly."

"Ooooh, don't let him hear you say that," Lavi raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was the consensus that Kanda was the hottest thing here, should I be chasing someone else?"

"Only if you're a narcissist." Allen muttered. Lavi raised _both _eyebrows and Allen coughed. "Don't get me wrong, I _don't_ like you that way, but," Allen forged on bravely and loyally, "I think you're hotter than Kanda."

"…" Lavi blinked and actually stopped walking for a second. "…..AW. Beansprout!" He got Allen in a headlock and started messing up the white hair. "That's _so_ sweet!"

"It's ALLEN, and ow, let go, hey!"

End


End file.
